This morning Brian slept in. And by sleeping in, I mean it was nearly 7:30, the girls and I had already woken up, breakfasted, watched George the Monkey, drank cocoa, contemplated getting dressed, and read the same book 15 times over. And then it was nearing 7:45. I should have been happy for him. I mean, if one of us can sleep in and get a full, good night's rest, it's good for everyone all around, right?
That's not what I was thinking.
I was sure he was no longer breathing.
I was sure he was gone. I didn't panic, nor did I check in on him. I just thought about what I needed to do next. Who should I call first? Well, first some medical personnel. Then probably Upper Orinda McFeely's, since they're about 5 minutes away from here. Then what? Well, then this week I'd plan on getting help with the girls, planning a service, cleaning out the freezer to accommodate the meals people would likely bring. Then, claiming the life insurance, paying off all debts, setting up college funds, calculating when I'd have to go back to work....
Strange?
I had these thoughts a LOT when I was pregnant with Erin. Every time Brian went on a run, I was certain that was it - when he left it was the last time I'd see him. I'd panic a bit, then be sad, then plan. It was a quick progression. Maybe because now we both have life insurance I skip the panic part of the sequence, but most of the inner monologue stays the same. The irrational, superstitious part of me says because I have these thoughts I'll never have to *really* think them. I hope.
Well, happily 8:00 rolled around and Brian rolled out of bed. We had some cereal and started our day.
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9 comments:
I had similar thoughts when I was pregnant. i didn't know it was a thing. Especially toward the end of my pregnancy! And I have the same superstition about those thoughts too.
I totally know that feeling now that Dave has used up 8 out his 9 lives in a gnarly car accident.
I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one. I thought this was something I inherited from my mom and dad!
Always planning I am. Plus, I know if there was some apocalyptic event that left me and nearly nobody else, I'd hit the Costco and basically move in. Just think how long you could live there. All your needs are taking care of - toilet paper, powdered milk, water, food, mattresses, exercise equipment...
We have planned for things financially, but I can't go there in my head. I had a friend lose her husband to a stroke this year, another friend's husband diagnosed with ALS at 33. Both in their 30s, both with two young children. It's heartbreaking and inspiring to see how they have handled themselves, but the reality is just a little too close to home these day for me to think "what if?" I think the one thing we all know is that we would be strong for our kids!
I nudge Shannon every now and then to check. That is if she's not snoring.
I don't do this so much with Billy, but with the kids I have very vivid, horrendous scenarios that play out in my head, especially when I'm driving through intersections. And I have an awful phobia of home invasion. Totally bizarre.
I have these exact same thoughts. Except not about Brian. Thought I should be clear.
I do this every time Jonathan goes on a bike ride. Glad to know other people do it too.
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